Marriage Counseling and Relational Perfection

Relational Imperfection in Marriage Counseling

You are one week into marriage with the one you love. You connect, feel like you get along, and think about her constantly. Five months in she starts snapping at you. When you left the house at 8:35am to go to work you think about the comment she said. "Why did she get so defensive? I was just sharing my opinion."

What is the common thread between one week into marriage and five months? The reference point in regards to the action of love, or the lack thereof, was the other spouse. For instance, when they were first married, they got along well. Five months in, they are now snapping at each other. If I had to guess their experience of conflict goes something like this, "If you snap at me, then I'm snapping back." Or, "If you're harsh to me, then I can't guarantee I won't be harsh back." We call this relational imperfection in marriage counseling. In other words, "If you don't love me, then I won't love you back." This person's spouse is his reference point in regards to loving her, instead of God.

Relational Perfection in Marriage

Loving your spouse is an excellent thing. After all, you wouldn't have first married unless you enjoyed thinking about and loving the person! Think about this mindset, "I give to get." This is law; obey in order to be loved. Consider Matthew 5:44-48. Jesus sums up perfection in verse 48, "Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Heavenly Father is perfect." Contextually Jesus is not speaking about moral perfection, rather relational perfection. Relational perfection is not, I love you and you love me; this is what the world does actually according to Matthew 5:46, 47. Rather, relational perfection is, "I love you, even if you don't love me (back)." Imagine if officiants started saying this phrase in the vows to the soon-to-be wed couple, "I vow to love you, even whenever you do not love me back, because this is how God loves me."

Jesus Is Your Reference Point for Love

Your spouse is not the definition, nor reference point for love. Whoever is your reference point for love will be displayed in how you behave love, or don't love in return. If God loves you, only if you love Him (which is not Biblically true), then you will do the same for your spouse, because you want to be like God. It will look like this, "I love my spouse if she loves me, and vice-versa." Therefore, if your wife is your reference point for love, then when she does not love you, you will (more than likely) not love her in return. When she does love you, then you will love her. Jesus is the greater love (John 15:13). He is your reference point for loving your husband or your wife. Truthfully He loves you, even whenever you do not love him back. And, you can never match his love back. Christian marriage counseling can help you with relational perfection and learning to love.

Question to consider: What does relational perfection look like from God to me? What about me to my spouse?

Marriage and Couples Therapists in Fort Worth

Cowtown's licensed professional counselors and therapists in Fort Worth provide marriage counseling to improve the quality of your relationship. Nourishing and growing it takes practice. We are happy to come alongside spouses, engaged couples, and even those that are seriously dating.