Practicing Forgiveness and Comfort in Relationships

How You Communicate To The Person Who Hurt Will Influence Your Relationship With Him

What makes it easy to confess sin to someone? When this person already has a habit of expressing empathy to you? When this person has a habit of comforting you?

How you speak to someone who recently sinned against and hurt you will greatly influence your future relationship with him. You may be closer, or you may be distant with each other. Very rarely do relationships remain unchanged in regards to closeness after wrongdoing. Either, your relationship with the person will grow closer, due to asking for forgiveness, or will be more distant.

It Is Tempting To Bring Up More Problems To The Person Who Hurt You

2nd Corinthians 2:5-11 states, "Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure—not to put it too severely—to all of you. 6 For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, 7 so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. 9 For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. 10 Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, 11 so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs."

Let's say you've been hurt by your friend. He asks for your forgiveness and you forgive him; then you bring up some insecurities to him, thinking these may be tied to why he hurt you. Bringing up insecurities and more of the person's problems are hurtful because instead of forgiving and comforting, you are forgiving and bringing up more. When you do this, you push away the person instead of reconciling. Also, this person may not practice asking for forgiveness in the future, whether from you or others.

We can empathize with you. It is tempting to want to bring up more problems in the moment after a friend hurts you, sins against you, and asks for forgiveness. Notice what the Apostle Paul says in verse 11 above, though, "So that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs." In the moments after someone asks you for forgiveness for hurting you, how you respond is more of a Spiritual influence than a biological mental health influence. We know this is sobering, but again, we therapists can empathize with you. We've all been there. Sometimes we would like to see the person who wronged us punished, instead of reconciled. Or continue to feel the pain of wrongdoing, instead of comfort.

Focus on Forgiving, Comforting, and Loving Him

I love what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 2:7, "Forgive and comfort him...reaffirm your love for him." Even if you are right about the connection to this person's insecurity, talk to him about it another day. Focus instead on comforting him, more than bringing up more things. When you comfort the one who hurt you, whether a family member or a friend, the you are encouraging the practice of forgiving others in the future, both for you and the offender.

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